Friday, 6 May 2011

A bit overwhelmed

For some reason, I feel a little bit overwhelmed today. And I don't know why. Just about every single day of the year, I do not feel this way. I never have any feelings of time running out of my reach, or that things are spinning out of control. I'm only 22 after all, and I am graduating with my first degree (BSc.) in a few weeks. I usually feel like exploding with happiness. I'm usually a pretty positive person. I hope you can tell this from my other blog posts. And I have a feeling it is because of my Dad whose positivity is beloved by everyone in my small hometown.

I think some days, you just sort of feel like things are falling apart. As I've told you all, my cat Jasmine is having health complications. I haven't even begun talking about what my family health problems have been like the last few months. And with many med school applicants knowing the certainty of their journey towards being a physician, it makes my uncertainty the future much more real. At least it does today.

The Persistence of Memory, Dali, 1931 
Last night, I dreamt I went back to my hometown and was at my old high school. Everyone was older and looked fantastic. For some reason, no one wanted to talk to me and I thought that was odd. Even my closest high school friends would turn their heads away from me. I felt like everything was spinning out of control. In my dream, I remember feeling nauseated and running to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and everything about me seemed to become distorted. And I realised why everyone was appalled by my appearance. My face looked like it was melting away.

That dream has really gotten to me. I decided to write about it because I wonder if others have had dreams like this. Where it seems like you are inferior to others around you. I don't know, maybe it really is my subconscious feelings of wanting to catch up to other medical applicants.

I'm not sure if that is what's going on. I am not Freud :) But sometimes, I think these sort of feelings do catch up with me: whether I want them to or not. I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling this way. On the positive side, it means that I have a goal in life and know that I want to make it there on day. I think it is normal to have doubts about yourself, to be fearful of uncertainty, and to want to do your personal best.

The road towards becoming a medical student is a very long one. And, even after that there is a lot of sacrifice to be made. Persistence and stamina are virtues I am lucky to have. Some applicants who have gotten in this year have tried many times before earning their acceptance. Knowing that they were able to do it, even after feeling like giving up many times inspires me to press forward. Having great mentors around me is also a gift. And until I get there, I know that I have others to help guide me forward. I will get there one day. I'll never give up.

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